Monday, November 9, 2009


Ok so today is NOT a good day. My morning turned into a bad dream so to speak. Today is a family members b'day (the one that has chosen to not be in my life) but I wanted to wish him a happy bday and Kaylee wanted to tell him that also. How could this be bad or the wrong thing to do? Well it can be wrong and bad when him and his other half decide they are less than happy with me doing that and have to blame me and tell me I have "issues". Who the hell doesnt have "issues"????? My so called issues are justified and right!!! (my opinion could always be wrong and I am wrong according to them) They see themselves as being totally right and everyone else is just attacking them and no one else s feelings matter. Yes these are two grown adults acting like children. There is no forgiveness in their heart or compassion or understanding. Its all about them and what everyone has done to them. Regardless of the truth. Do they even know what the truth is anymore? I seriously doubt it. I think they really believe their lies as their truth. I wonder what happened to the unconditional love you are supposed to have for your family? Its so not there from them. I love my family...I depend on my family...I need my family.....ALL of them! They are my strength!! They helped me through my toughest times as a struggling single mom of a premie when my daughter was born. ALL OF THEM!! Things get out of control and people say things they shouldnt...its happens...and we FORGIVE...atleast thats my take on how this is supposed to work. Shouldnt someone explain this to them????? Would they care? Nope because it doesnt fit into their little world and it would mean they werent 100% right or just in what they were doing.

So again I sit back and keep my mouth shut and respect my family and the chance that saying anything will backfire and cause more harm than good. I seriously am tired of keeping my mouth shut.....hence my extreme venting on here. Its my therapy so to speak. I cant tell them how I feel so I have to tell someone so here I am. This was supposed to be a silly little blog about my boring little life and the funny little things that happen, but it has turned into this. Yeah I will have my funny little quirky moments, but right now they are shut away behind this wall of frustration!!!

On the treadmill I go...10 incline to push all this anger out of me!!! Need to focus on me not them!!!


Sunday, November 8, 2009

So here I am again =) Slightly less irritated than the last visit. (but damn well still irritated and pissed and think things need to be said ) I just get my mind focused on something and it just eats away at me until I explode...this is now my way of venting that rage instead of venting it on some poor soul or even on the ones that need to hear what should be said. But as I said before I am being respectful and trying to not lower myself to the level of those that cant seem to keep their mouth shut.

Soooooo things with Kaylee are going good. She is still loving school. (thank god) It amazes me how quickly she is learning new things. Everyday she comes home with new words and ideas. Last night we went out to dinner and she informed me "we are on a date mama" How sweet =) It was one of the best dates I have had in a very long time. Men, I and dating for some reason just doesnt go over very well. I would like to date and maybe have a relationship, but OMG I already have a full-time job and full-time single mom thing and I just cant force myself to work for a relationship. My brain just cant focus on someone else right now. I dont want to have to deal with all the drama that ensues a relationship.

See I am damaged goods. Kaylee's sperm donor played a major role in that. I dont think I am damaged in a bad way, but I have been through enough with him over the many years we were off and on that I can no long just sit back and let things slide. I know most if not all the tricks of the "player". He used every one in the book on me and I learned from this. I know exactly what I dont want in a relationship and as soon as I see one of these qualities or traits in a man I meet he is checked off the list. Its as simple as that. I dont compare men to him by any means. I dont think all men are like him and are out to get me. But I do hold on to those things that I want and dont want and I wont budge. So am I left to a life alone?? NOPE I have MY daughter!! I will never be alone =) Would it be nice to have a man to share my day with and cuddle with me at night....sure it would....but do I I dont. I have had the other end of the spectrum also. I had a man that feel head over heels for me and nothing else existed in his world, but me. That was a problem for me. He was fine while we dated then he moved in and he seemed to have lost himself. He gave into EVERYTHING, he had opinions or ideas or backbone. Granted he was a great guy and would do anything for me, but I needed more. I needed him to be the man!! He was so overemotional it was ridiculous. So any way I let him go and would you know it....less than 6months later and he is married. Just one of those guys that HAS to be with some one I guess. But it was good for my ego in the beginning. It was nice to have someone worship the ground you walked on. So at that time I guess he served his purpose...he made me feel like a woman again and brought back my self-esteem. I am thankful for that.

Oh ok so I am back on track with the Atkins thing again. Finally reached 50 lbs total since starting and stopping and starting and stopping April of last year. So thats a good thing =) I have to get focused and do what I have to do. Hoping the next year takes off another 50 lbs!!!

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

(sips on coffee enjoying the silence) Kaylee on bus and now its some ME time. There is so much to do, but here I sit...on my ass....could be cleaning, could be organizing, could be grocery shopping or could have my fat ass on the treadmill!! hahaha I am not in the mood for any of it just yet. I am just enjoying the peace and quiet of me time. Was going to try and get in some play time on my game, but servers are down for maintenance...grrr (for those that dont know, I am an avid online gamer..hehe Its my escape from this reality) So since I can waste MY time running around killing things and talking to people from other countries and states I sit here to ramble and possibly rant and whine or give a chuckle. All that depends on how you take what a write =) See I say ramblings because boy can I ramble and run my mouth for days on here. Its so easy to just voice you opinion out into cyber land and not have to worry about instant disapproval or gratification.

I thought more about making some of my rantings about my feelings and thoughts and misguided emotions over Kaylee's biological father(lets call him the sperm donor!!) and I decided I will...I mean itsnt it good to get out these kinda things. To not let me build up inside and keep me warm with hate at night....LOL I have enough stress in my life right now with being a single mom and having to worry about providing for my daughter than to have to worry about whether or not I keep my feelings bottled up and be the good person who doesnt voice her opinion...guess what THATS NOT ME!!! Why should I be the one to keep my mouth shut. The one to suck it up and pretend it didnt happen. The one to just grin and bare it. It isnt good for your health I dont think. See this goes farther than just Kaylee's sperm donor, it goes beyond that and gets really personal and close to my heart. Family...I have the most awesome family...I really do, but things these days are shaken up by a family member and it has gotten beyond out of control. And yet again I KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT!!! I have feelings dammit!! I respect my family so I keep my mouth shut...does it stop the other parties from voicing their never ending opinion of me and their dislike? NO!!! But I do it...I sit back and try to let it all slide by, but this time it isnt insides are SCREAMING!!!! How can people just give in and give them their way? How come "we" have to be the ones to bend to them? Are they giving us any reason to try? NO!! Do they ever say "Im sorry" or "thank you"? NO!! They complain and bitch and yell and write lies about you!! They drag you down with every word that comes out of their mouth and yet you bend to them thinking it will help...has it??? I think not!! Will it??? One can only hope...but from passed tries and plans nothing has fact it made some things worse. Yes I am bitter...yes I am sarcastic...yes I am MAD AS HELL!!! But do I get to really express that and tell them how I feel...NO!!

I just realized something...OMG...I have had this crink in my neck (whatever you call it) It comes and goes....and I just realized it gets cranky when I start venting and thinking of all the shit that is going on in my life right now....STRESS!
Makes perfect sense....Ok so with that I will stop here and do some time on the treadmill to sweat it out and wear my ass out....exercise is good for stress they say....LOL Where's Jillian when you need her???


Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Ok lets face it I suck at this blogging stuff. I had good intentions and well then life just gets in the way. How you you juggle all that life throws at you in a day and still have time to sit down and write about your thoughts and activities? hehe Well you do it at work its what you do. Which wont be happening soon because she is getting rid of the internet =(
Things are going well with Kaylee's school. She seems to be adjusted and loves it so much!! She wakes up everyday ready to go. This is a good thing and I hope it stays that way for years to come. I have noticed several changes in the person that she is. She is way more independent and is booming with knowledge. I have also noticed she is learning new things to say...not so good. Her new phrase these days is "what the...." Nothing follows that thank god. But boy does that bother me, so it has been banned from my house before she learns that something follows the "the" =) Oh and boys!! She came home yesterday to tell me she kissed Quincy....Hmmm mama was not happy!! Said that his friend told her to kiss him....soooooo Kaylee and mama had a talk about NOT KISSING BOYS!!!!! I was even down right mean about it...told her if she kissed another little boy she would not be riding the bus anymore!! It killed my heart to hear she had kissed this little fella...NOOOOO...shes 4!! She kisses her mama not some BOY!!! God help me when she gets older and starts to really like boys...ugh I am going to need drugs and a private all girls school in Switzerland!!!

I had other ideas for this blog also...ideas that might help me mentally deal with my day to day dislike and bitterness towards Kaylee's father. I figured I could pour out all my ill feelings and frustrations to help me mentally cope with his lack of being anything close to a father to her. I am still thinking on that one. I thought I might start with a letter to him (just in blog) Thanking him for all he has helped me learn and the wonderful gift he has giving me...I had lots of thoughts on how to use this a closure. And again I am still thinking it over and my go ahead with it. Maybe someone can relate and find closure of their own through my rantings...LOL

Ok so enough for now...must pretend like I am busy at work, when actually it is dead quiet in here. Oh well I shall enjoy the peace...taataa!

Friday, September 18, 2009

Kids say the darndest things

Ok so just to throw this out there so I wont forget it. Kaylee brings home a agenda book everyday from school. We have to sign it and read teacher comments and what not. So one day I told her to give me her backpack so I could see whats inside and she says " Mom its only my VAGENDA in there" LOL Ok so that just cracks me up and I want to remember it!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Here's a pic of Kaylee waiting in the pouring down rain for the bus.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Ok so here I sit...I was encouraged to start this blog and all the sudden I have nothing to odd is that? Well we all know I am a bit of a rambler so I am sure the rambling will start at any second.

Ok so reasons for blogging
1. my baby started school this week
2. to hold myself accountable for things
3. to make all that read this blog happier people =)
4. to amuse myself
5. to clear my head
6. to keep boredom somewhat at bay

yeah I could keep on and on with the list, but you have to stop somewhere right? I am really good at talking to myself so this blog thing should be a breeze. I mean who else can you talk to where you know everything about that person and no one is there to look down at you and raise an eyebrow to your ridiculously sick, sometimes off point sense of humor? hehe See what I mean? Damn I am good at blogging..I am a blogging queen..yeah Im bored at work so shoot me!!

I havent really decided what I will and will not include in this blog as of yet, but I am working on that. I guess the title says it all...just random ramblings of me and my life with my daughter. Who by the way is the most amazing beautiful girl in the world!!! What can I say, she takes after her mother!! =)

Anywho...she started pre-school this week and it has taken its toll on my emotions and nerves. I was so ready to ship her off and see that bus pull up and take her away, but when it happened I was lost. I have never missed someone so much in my body literally ached for my little baby. (who is 4 now and not a baby) She is my everything...I didnt realize how consumed my life has been with her in it. She makes my heart sing!! Love that unconditional is the most amazing thing. (do I say amazing a lot? hmmm) So anyway I go to work after getting her on the bus and my busy day at work goes sooooooo slow..I find myself counting the minutes and seconds and wondering what she is was her bus ride? did she cry? did she eat breakfast? are the kids being nice to her? The questions haunted me all day!! So it comes time for school to get out...I wait out by the bus stop with all other moms and we wait...and wait...and wait....WTF??? School was out at 3:50 and its not almost 5...where the hell is my child?? Just then the bus pulls up and off jumps the happiest most beautiful sight I have ever laid eyes on....My baby was happy and healthy..she made it through her first day of school. I picked her up kissed her over and over and she asked "mom do I get to go back tomorrow?" so I told her yes and see looked into my eyes and said "I missed you so much today, did you miss me?" Oh how I missed her...I just hugged her and loved her and inside we went to talk about her day. I love that girl so much!!
WOW Ok so I rambled a little....I will stop for now, simply because I do have to get back to work. More tonight if I have the energy.