Sunday, November 8, 2009

So here I am again =) Slightly less irritated than the last visit. (but damn well still irritated and pissed and think things need to be said ) I just get my mind focused on something and it just eats away at me until I explode...this is now my way of venting that rage instead of venting it on some poor soul or even on the ones that need to hear what should be said. But as I said before I am being respectful and trying to not lower myself to the level of those that cant seem to keep their mouth shut.

Soooooo things with Kaylee are going good. She is still loving school. (thank god) It amazes me how quickly she is learning new things. Everyday she comes home with new words and ideas. Last night we went out to dinner and she informed me "we are on a date mama" How sweet =) It was one of the best dates I have had in a very long time. Men, I and dating for some reason just doesnt go over very well. I would like to date and maybe have a relationship, but OMG I already have a full-time job and full-time single mom thing and I just cant force myself to work for a relationship. My brain just cant focus on someone else right now. I dont want to have to deal with all the drama that ensues a relationship.

See I am damaged goods. Kaylee's sperm donor played a major role in that. I dont think I am damaged in a bad way, but I have been through enough with him over the many years we were off and on that I can no long just sit back and let things slide. I know most if not all the tricks of the "player". He used every one in the book on me and I learned from this. I know exactly what I dont want in a relationship and as soon as I see one of these qualities or traits in a man I meet he is checked off the list. Its as simple as that. I dont compare men to him by any means. I dont think all men are like him and are out to get me. But I do hold on to those things that I want and dont want and I wont budge. So am I left to a life alone?? NOPE I have MY daughter!! I will never be alone =) Would it be nice to have a man to share my day with and cuddle with me at night....sure it would....but do I I dont. I have had the other end of the spectrum also. I had a man that feel head over heels for me and nothing else existed in his world, but me. That was a problem for me. He was fine while we dated then he moved in and he seemed to have lost himself. He gave into EVERYTHING, he had opinions or ideas or backbone. Granted he was a great guy and would do anything for me, but I needed more. I needed him to be the man!! He was so overemotional it was ridiculous. So any way I let him go and would you know it....less than 6months later and he is married. Just one of those guys that HAS to be with some one I guess. But it was good for my ego in the beginning. It was nice to have someone worship the ground you walked on. So at that time I guess he served his purpose...he made me feel like a woman again and brought back my self-esteem. I am thankful for that.

Oh ok so I am back on track with the Atkins thing again. Finally reached 50 lbs total since starting and stopping and starting and stopping April of last year. So thats a good thing =) I have to get focused and do what I have to do. Hoping the next year takes off another 50 lbs!!!

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