Im back again...hehe Things are FABULOUS!!! Still on track and eating on plan and LOVING the results I am seeing. I had a customer come in yesterday and say "OMG Meg you are melting!" It was the best boost in the world to me! I can actually see my body shape changing..its like the last week I can notice things...like looking straight down and seeing my toes and not sucking in my gut to do it...LOL Having my fingertips touch when I put them around my wrist!! Its the little things that mean so much to me.
I have decided to treat myself to a gift for doing so well. I am going to buy my first Coach purse =) I think the main reason is it gives me an excuse to go back to OBX...I know there are tons of places to get them, but going to the beach is an extra plus for me...toodle for now!

I hit a big milestone for me today....I am having a love affair with my scales and today I kissed them!!!!
God I cant believe I am going to throw this out there for everyone to see, but here goes. Today I weighed in at 249.2 I am finally closer to 200 than I am 300...the first time in forever!!! My goal for right now isnt weight its a size 16 by my birthday in May...I am very very confident that I will do that and maybe better as long as I stick to my plan and stay focused!!

Wow I am really going to post my weight..if that doesnt make it real I dont know what will...LOL

Getting the Wii and Wii fit plus as soon as tax money comes back so I can start some fun workouts. I hear great things about them so I cant wait. Also getting the treadmill fixed too...I actually miss that damn thing...something must be wrong with me head...LOL

Here I am once again...gee I dont blog as much as I thought I would LOL

Anywho...into the 2nd week of very low-carb mostly zero-carb eating. Things are going great!! I feel absolutely amazing!!! I actually went shopping to get a new pair of jeans because I wanted a pair that I had to actually unbutton and zip to take on and off...LOL I have lost 50+ lbs since last year with low-carb so it was time to buy something new. I have dropped 4 pant sizes!! Amazing!! It just reconfirmed that this is working for me and this is my path to follow for now. The exercise is coming...waiting on Uncle Sam to give me back some money so I can fix the treadmill and get my Wii and Wii fit plus! I hear great things about the Wii fit so I am excited to see what I can do with it. Decided I am going to get the dance game with it so Kaylee can have some fun with mom too!!

So thats my blog for now....I shall return when I have more to say..I just feel the urge to get up and do something so I will.

GOT MEAT?!?!?!?

Here we go!!!

Ok day one in the history books for back to clean eating and doing very low-carb....in to the second hour of being a non-smoker also. I quit last year for almost an entire year...when I say almost I mean I was ONE DAY shy of making it a year! So here I go again, this time cold turkey. Pray for me and the ones around me LOL So I will be blogging my ass off I am sure.....we shall see!

PISSED!!! ANGRY!!!! HURT!!!

Ok so today is NOT a good day. My morning turned into a bad dream so to speak. Today is a family members b'day (the one that has chosen to not be in my life) but I wanted to wish him a happy bday and Kaylee wanted to tell him that also. How could this be bad or the wrong thing to do? Well it can be wrong and bad when him and his other half decide they are less than happy with me doing that and have to blame me and tell me I have "issues". Who the hell doesnt have "issues"????? My so called issues are justified and right!!! (my opinion could always be wrong and I am wrong according to them) They see themselves as being totally right and everyone else is just attacking them and no one else s feelings matter. Yes these are two grown adults acting like children. There is no forgiveness in their heart or compassion or understanding. Its all about them and what everyone has done to them. Regardless of the truth. Do they even know what the truth is anymore? I seriously doubt it. I think they really believe their lies as their truth. I wonder what happened to the unconditional love you are supposed to have for your family? Its so not there from them. I love my family...I depend on my family...I need my family.....ALL of them! They are my strength!! They helped me through my toughest times as a struggling single mom of a premie when my daughter was born. ALL OF THEM!! Things get out of control and people say things they shouldnt...its life...it happens...and we FORGIVE...atleast thats my take on how this is supposed to work. Shouldnt someone explain this to them????? Would they care? Nope because it doesnt fit into their little world and it would mean they werent 100% right or just in what they were doing.

So again I sit back and keep my mouth shut and respect my family and the chance that saying anything will backfire and cause more harm than good. I seriously am tired of keeping my mouth shut.....hence my extreme venting on here. Its my therapy so to speak. I cant tell them how I feel so I have to tell someone so here I am. This was supposed to be a silly little blog about my boring little life and the funny little things that happen, but it has turned into this. Yeah I will have my funny little quirky moments, but right now they are shut away behind this wall of frustration!!!

On the treadmill I go...10 incline to push all this anger out of me!!! Need to focus on me not them!!!

smooches

So here I am again =) Slightly less irritated than the last visit. (but damn well still irritated and pissed and think things need to be said ) I just get my mind focused on something and it just eats away at me until I explode...this is now my way of venting that rage instead of venting it on some poor soul or even on the ones that need to hear what should be said. But as I said before I am being respectful and trying to not lower myself to the level of those that cant seem to keep their mouth shut.

Soooooo things with Kaylee are going good. She is still loving school. (thank god) It amazes me how quickly she is learning new things. Everyday she comes home with new words and ideas. Last night we went out to dinner and she informed me "we are on a date mama" How sweet =) It was one of the best dates I have had in a very long time. Men, I and dating for some reason just doesnt go over very well. I would like to date and maybe have a relationship, but OMG I already have a full-time job and full-time single mom thing and I just cant force myself to work for a relationship. My brain just cant focus on someone else right now. I dont want to have to deal with all the drama that ensues a relationship.

See I am damaged goods. Kaylee's sperm donor played a major role in that. I dont think I am damaged in a bad way, but I have been through enough with him over the many years we were off and on that I can no long just sit back and let things slide. I know most if not all the tricks of the "player". He used every one in the book on me and I learned from this. I know exactly what I dont want in a relationship and as soon as I see one of these qualities or traits in a man I meet he is checked off the list. Its as simple as that. I dont compare men to him by any means. I dont think all men are like him and are out to get me. But I do hold on to those things that I want and dont want and I wont budge. So am I left to a life alone?? NOPE I have MY daughter!! I will never be alone =) Would it be nice to have a man to share my day with and cuddle with me at night....sure it would....but do I settle...no I dont. I have had the other end of the spectrum also. I had a man that feel head over heels for me and nothing else existed in his world, but me. That was a problem for me. He was fine while we dated then he moved in and he seemed to have lost himself. He gave into EVERYTHING, he had opinions or ideas or backbone. Granted he was a great guy and would do anything for me, but I needed more. I needed him to be the man!! He was so overemotional it was ridiculous. So any way I let him go and would you know it....less than 6months later and he is married. Just one of those guys that HAS to be with some one I guess. But it was good for my ego in the beginning. It was nice to have someone worship the ground you walked on. So at that time I guess he served his purpose...he made me feel like a woman again and brought back my self-esteem. I am thankful for that.

Oh ok so I am back on track with the Atkins thing again. Finally reached 50 lbs total since starting and stopping and starting and stopping April of last year. So thats a good thing =) I have to get focused and do what I have to do. Hoping the next year takes off another 50 lbs!!!

(sips on coffee enjoying the silence) Kaylee on bus and now its some ME time. There is so much to do, but here I sit...on my ass....could be cleaning, could be organizing, could be grocery shopping or could have my fat ass on the treadmill!! hahaha I am not in the mood for any of it just yet. I am just enjoying the peace and quiet of me time. Was going to try and get in some play time on my game, but servers are down for maintenance...grrr (for those that dont know, I am an avid online gamer..hehe Its my escape from this reality) So since I can waste MY time running around killing things and talking to people from other countries and states I sit here to ramble and possibly rant and whine or give a chuckle. All that depends on how you take what a write =) See I say ramblings because boy can I ramble and run my mouth for days on here. Its so easy to just voice you opinion out into cyber land and not have to worry about instant disapproval or gratification.

I thought more about making some of my rantings about my feelings and thoughts and misguided emotions over Kaylee's biological father(lets call him the sperm donor!!) and I decided I will...I mean itsnt it good to get out these kinda things. To not let me build up inside and keep me warm with hate at night....LOL I have enough stress in my life right now with being a single mom and having to worry about providing for my daughter than to have to worry about whether or not I keep my feelings bottled up and be the good person who doesnt voice her opinion...guess what THATS NOT ME!!! Why should I be the one to keep my mouth shut. The one to suck it up and pretend it didnt happen. The one to just grin and bare it. It isnt good for your health I dont think. See this goes farther than just Kaylee's sperm donor, it goes beyond that and gets really personal and close to my heart. Family...I have the most awesome family...I really do, but things these days are shaken up by a family member and it has gotten beyond out of control. And yet again I KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT!!! I have feelings dammit!! I respect my family so I keep my mouth shut...does it stop the other parties from voicing their never ending opinion of me and their dislike? NO!!! But I do it...I sit back and try to let it all slide by, but this time it isnt working...my insides are SCREAMING!!!! How can people just give in and give them their way? How come "we" have to be the ones to bend to them? Are they giving us any reason to try? NO!! Do they ever say "Im sorry" or "thank you"? NO!! They complain and bitch and yell and write lies about you!! They drag you down with every word that comes out of their mouth and yet you bend to them thinking it will help...has it??? I think not!! Will it??? One can only hope...but from passed tries and plans nothing has helped..in fact it made some things worse. Yes I am bitter...yes I am sarcastic...yes I am MAD AS HELL!!! But do I get to really express that and tell them how I feel...NO!!

I just realized something...OMG...I have had this crink in my neck (whatever you call it) It comes and goes....and I just realized it gets cranky when I start venting and thinking of all the shit that is going on in my life right now....STRESS!
Makes perfect sense....Ok so with that I will stop here and do some time on the treadmill to sweat it out and wear my ass out....exercise is good for stress they say....LOL Where's Jillian when you need her???

smooches!!